The Two Kakarots
by Lucillia
Summary: Humorous moments in the lives of Goku and his twin sister, including Chi-Chi's irrational suspicions and Raditz's reaction to Gohan before he gets the whole story. Various oneshots, not in Chronological order.
1. Two Kakarrots are Born

Author's note: I'm editing the current oneshots on 8-6-10. Before anyone asks or comments, my "other character" is going to marry an "other character" and won't even consider pursuing any of the canon characters romantically.

&!&!&

Bardock looked down at the pair of infants. He'd been away on a mission when they had been born, and had spent the next couple of days after his return recuperating. He'd been told there had been a problem with his mate's pregnancy the moment he left the regen tank. He hadn't been expecting this however. Most fathers wouldn't. This definitely wasn't the sort of complication that would naturally occur to any sane Saiyan. Twins that survived to term were extremely rare amongst Saiyans, as in almost completely unheard of. These were the first recorded set in over two decades. The male had his hair, and the female looked like Raditz - who more closely resembled their mother - had at that age.

"So, chances are that only one of them will survive?" Bardock asked. He knew practically nothing about twins other than the fact that according to some ancient superstition, they were considered to be an extremely bad omen somewhere near "Your village is going to be destroyed by that quiet little mountain it's built at the base of" on the scale of "You're going to be stung by a mosquito next week" to "The universe is going to implode in five minutes".

"Yes. According to what little data I've been able to gather, the stronger usually kills the weaker before the age of two." the nursery attendant said.

He looked down at both of them, checking with his scouter to determine which was the stronger and therefore most likely to survive. They both had a power level of 2. Pathetic.

"Name the other one Kakarrot as well." He said with a shrug. One or the other of the children in front of him would die. Either way, he would end up with a child named Kakarrot.

With that, Bardock turned and ran for a ship so he could catch up with his team, trying to ignore the strange visions of destruction that he had had in the regen tank.

Two small Saiyan babies were later shoved into the same pod (no sense in wasting resources) and sent on an assignment to clear out a planet called Earth. They exited the solar-system as their homeworld exploded.

&!&!&

Son Gohan had been out gathering kindling when he heard the loud cries. A brief search revealed a large crater that hadn't been there the week before when he'd last been in this particular area. Inside the crater was a hollow sphere. Inside the sphere was a pair of naked babies screaming at the tops of their little lungs. Being a rather kind soul, Son Gohan gathered the children and carried them home.

On his way home, he decided on names for the infants. After all, they would need someone to raise them, and he wasn't about to abandon them like their parents had. He named the boy Goku and the girl Sakura.

As he watched a pair of rather violent infants destroy everything they could get their tiny little hands on, he wondered for the first time what he was getting himself into.


	2. The Other Woman is my SisterInLaw?

Chi-Chi growled as she watched her husband go outside and greet that woman, hugging her warmly before she suddenly grabbed him and gave him a noogie. The long haired hussy who dressed like her for some strange reason showed up every weekend, and she and her husband would disappear for hours. Every weekend, she would try to get her husband to stay, but he'd go anyways, telling her that she was being mean. She had tried to follow them any number of times, but they simply flew off just about every time she did so.

The only reason she stayed with Goku, was their son. Little Gohan would need both of his parents in order to grow up well adjusted. Gohan would need to be well adjusted if he was to get far in life.

This time, Goku and the Hussy were flying off to her father's sensei's place and they were bringing her poor innocent Gohan along for the ride. They had offered to bring her, but she had refused, stating that she had chores to complete here. She wasn't in the mood to watch her husband and that woman flirt with each-other all afternoon.

&!&!&

A year later, she was at the hospital with her family. Her poor little Gohan and her jerk of a husband were asleep, leaving her with nothing to do. Knowing that the other woman - who had also been injured in the battle with the Saiyans - was a couple rooms away with her son's uncle/kidnapper - who had had the crap beaten out of him by the hussy - who had somehow been wished back when they had attempted to get both Goku and that woman back in time for the fight, she decided to go over there and finally give them a piece of her mind.

As she stormed into the room, and opened her mouth to yell something that she never ever wanted her little Gohan to hear at any time during his lifetime she heard the woman say "That's her."

The long haired man who her husband had explained was an older sibling and then promptly refused to acknowledge as a relation looked her up and down and grinned before saying "I see what you mean."

The two of them had been talking about her, probably saying the most horrible things. Her anger immediately flew past the yelling and violence stage, and reached the point where she was almost unnaturally calm. How dare that woman and that monster talk about her behind her back! Her expression turned to one Goku knew well enough to run away from. While on the surface it looked almost sweet, underneath it was entirely ice and it tended to chill any room she was in by at least ten degrees.

"Oh, and what exactly does she mean." she said in the falsely sweet tone of voice that sent her jerk of a husband running for the hills every time.

"That our idiot brother really lucked out when he got you as a wife." the long haired male - whose name if she remembered correctly was Raditz - said completely oblivious to the danger signals she had been giving off.

"Our?" she said completely thrown.

She looked between the two Saiyans occupying the room's two beds. Both had the same long, insanely spiky black hair, and both possessed several similar features. In fact, one almost looked like a female version of the other. As she studied them further, she noticed something about their eyes, jawlines, cheekbones, and ears that reminded her of someone else, a certain someone who was occupying a room with her little Gohan.

She'd wasted the last six years being jealous of her sister-in-law. A sister-in-law who had apparently admired her enough to decide to dress like her. All those hugs...all those play fights...all those games of flying tag that she'd cried over in the darkest hours of the night as Goku slept on the couch innocent and apparently ignorant of what she'd been accusing him of...they hadn't been... She wished the floor would open up and swallow her.


	3. Is It The Apocalypse?

Son Gohan decided that it would be best to bring the babies with him when he went fishing. While it wouldn't be nearly as relaxing since he would spend most of his time playing referee, the children had a tendency to fight and destroy everything in the house when the were left alone for more than ten seconds. He was regretting putting both of them in his pack because he needed his hands free to carry his fishing tackle however. The infants never stopped fighting when they were together, and now was no exception.

As he walked along the cliffside towards his favorite fishing hole he felt a sudden shift in the weight on his back, and his pack was suddenly, horrifyingly light.

He watched in horror as both squabbling infants fell nearly a hundred feet, landed on a rock and became still.

Crying in grief over the sudden loss of two innocent lives, Gohan made his way down to where the children had landed intending to pay his final respects and bury the infants before the scavengers could get to their bodies. When he reached them, he got the shock of his life. Both children were breathing. They were unconscious, and their heads were bleeding, but they were still breathing.

Gohan carefully made his way home with the injured children after tending to their wounds the best he could. For three days and nights he sat a quiet vigil praying that the children would regain consciousness. On the morning of the fourth day, Goku woke first, then Sakura. Gohan didn't know this however, because he had finally fallen asleep.

When he awoke he felt sheer pants-wetting terror for the first time in a very long time.

Both children were sitting on the bed quietly, and they were smiling at him. They were actually smiling at him. They weren't screaming. They weren't fighting. They weren't trying to bite him or each-other. They weren't destroying everything they could reach. They were sitting quietly and smiling at him.

He quickly checked out the window to see if it was raining fire and brimstone, for surely this must be the Apocalypse.


	4. Much Ado About Inbreeding

Raditz looked down at the obviously Saiyan child that had been hiding behind his brother Kakarrot, then looked up at his brother and the last Saiyan female alive...his sister Kakarrot.

They hadn't. He was going to go into denial to protect his sanity. They hadn't...though, obviously they had. The evidence was standing in front of him screaming at the top of its surprisingly formidable lungs.

He later decided that the plan he had come up with to get his siblings to join him had been rather stupid, but it was all he could come up with on such short notice, especially when his mind was occupied with...other things.

He paused in mid-flight. The child he was holding was still screaming. Something had just occurred to him. The child was Saiyan and would have to join them. What if something was wrong with it? He quickly checked the child over. There wasn't an extra eye hidden under the hat. He didn't appear to have any extra or missing limbs, and had only the one tail. He sighed with relief before panicking again. What about brain damage? How did one check for brain damage?

As he shut the child in his pod, a litany of genetic disorders danced through his head.

&!&!&

Hours later, and on a planet a long ways away Vegeta and Nappa sat listening to Raditz getting his ass whupped by a toddler. A very powerful toddler.

"I wish I had a sister." Vegeta said.

Nappa didn't reply. He felt like this was one of those situations where it was best to nod, smile and back away slowly.


	5. Bringing Them Together

Author's Note: Sakura is smart in some subjects, but in others she has roughly a Goku level of understanding (which is basically somewhere between nil and "It's probably not important, so I won't let it bother me.").

&!&!&

Sakura growled under her breath. Vegeta and Bulma weren't getting together fast enough. They were supposed to get together and have that Trunks person who killed Frieza. If they didn't, Trunks wouldn't be there in the future to come back and warn them about the Androids that they were supposed to fight. It looked like she would have to help them along.

Thinking on how she had met her husband - a doctor at the hospital she and Goku ended up at after the fight with Vegeta and Nappa - she got an idea. She quickly raced over to Capsule Corp. to implement it.

&!&!&

Vegeta stepped into the elevator, not bothering to say a word to it's other passenger. He could've quite easily flown out his window, but the view in the elevator was much better. The only problem with getting on second though, was that he couldn't take in the view from behind without being obvious about it.

The elevator suddenly ground to a halt.

"Woman, your elevator's broken!" he yelled at the other passenger.

Bulma shook her head and sighed as she watched Vegeta blow through the roof of the elevator and fly up the shaft. What had probably been a minor and easy to fix electrical problem was now a disaster that could take weeks to repair.

&!&!&

Sakura pouted as she watched Vegeta fly out a window. The broken elevator was supposed to start a conversation in which they found out what they had in common. After that, they were supposed to trade phone numbers, and then they were supposed to start dating, and then they were supposed to get engaged, and then married and have Trunks. Ten seconds wasn't long enough to have a conversation. It looked like she would have to come up with a plan B.

&!&!&

"Woman?"

"Yes?"

"Why did the female Kakarrot shove us into a supply closet?"


	6. Balls and Accidents

"How the hell could you not know what a girl was? You have a sister!" Bulma yelled at the confused young boy who apparently didn't understand why removing her underwear while she was asleep was wrong if the look on his face was any indication.

"I just thought she lost hers in the accident." Goku stated, having long gotten over the shock of discovering that Bulma didn't have a penis and having decided not to bother wondering why she was so angry. What was was, and Bulma was angry.

"Accident? What accident?" Bulma asked completely sidetracked.

"The one where we fell of the cliff and hit our heads when we were babies." Goku replied.

"That explains alot." Bulma muttered.

"Huh?" the twins said at exactly the same time. There were identical blank looks on their faces, and it gave Bulma the creeps.

Once again, she found herself carefully scrutinizing the two children, looking for any signs of deception. She absolutely refused to believe that anyone could be that stupid, but apparently, contrary to her disbelief, they genuinely were.

She had initially thought that both of the children - whose ages were currently under question thanks to the incident when both demonstrated that they didn't know how to count properly - were boys, but the bath she insisted both take had proven otherwise. The long haired one who had introduced herself by proudly announcing that she was Goku's twin rather than giving her name was a girl.

She was going to have to have a serious talk with both children about proper behavior, especially the girl who was going to get some proper clothing and haircare tips the instant they got to the next town.


	7. Dogpile

Vegeta stared down at something that he hadn't seen or experienced since his earliest childhood, before he basically became Frieza's hostage. It was an honest to goodness actual Saiyan dogpile.

Long before "civilizing" influences were introduced, Saiyan family groups and friends that were as good as family would sleep together with the head of the family at the center and sometimes bottom of the pile, and the least important members curled up shivering at the edges.

During what may as well have been called Frieza's reign, such arrangements had frequently occurred in the barracks with teams and groups of friends and relatives curled up together and sometimes piled up two or even three layers deep.

This particular pile was rather sparse, with the male Kakarrot forming the center, his son Gohan forming the second layer, the female Kakarrot forming the inner left, and Raditz forming the outer left edge.

Some odd instinct drove him towards what would be the inner right if the pile were larger. Before he knew it, he found himself sneaking towards that spot. Soon, he was curled up at the male Kakarrot's right. Moments later, he found himself pushed away to a sleepy mumble of "That's Chi-Chi's spot".

That was fine by him, he didn't want to join some stupid, common, third class dogpile anyways.


	8. Twins?

Sakura smiled as she prepared for the party at Bulma's. She hummed cheerfully as she pulled on tight black shorts, a navy blue tank top and her new hat. Once she was prepared, she flew her husband and young son to the Capsule Corps compound.

Upon landing, she noticed that Prince Vegeta was looking at her strangely, as if he were trying not to laugh. As she went inside, she encountered Krillin who stopped and stared at her for a moment before he fell to the ground laughing.

Eventually, she learned what was so funny after her husband had gone to briefly speak with Raditz and started laughing himself.

Raditz whirled around.

He stared. She stared.

Raditz was wearing tight black shorts, a navy blue tank top, and was holding a nearly identical hat.

"Not again!" they both said at the same time.

"You know, you'd almost swear that _they _were the twins." Yamcha said as he moved towards the chips and dip.


	9. Mr Popo's Growing Pains

Mr. Popo nearly wailed in dismay as he noticed that once again the Son children's clothes were too short at the wrists and ankles. He would once again be forced to make new clothing since the twins' sewing abilities - to put it mildly - sucked.

For the first two years they were here, they had pretty much remained static at the same height, and then all of a sudden, they both started shooting up like a pair of weeds. They had grown a foot practically overnight at one point.

Training over the last several months had been somewhat difficult to deal with as the twins were forced to deal with their ever changing bodies.

To top it off, both of them finally hit puberty, and neither of them seemed to notice that they had done so despite the rather obvious changes to Sakura's figure.

He'd been forced to give the pair of teenagers The Talk as Kami had vanished on the day he was supposed to do so and there was no knowing when he'd get back, and he had the sneaking suspicion that neither of them had understood a word he'd said.

To make things worse, the both of them had been so _nice _about the situation. It was unnatural. Teenagers were supposed to yell and scream, and stomp about as they threw temper tantrums, and tell you that they hated you. They weren't supposed to sit there placidly and happily thank you when you yet again told them that they had gotten the kata wrong because they'd tripped over their own feet.

He never thought he'd say this, but he would be happy when it was just him and Kami again.


	10. Not Quite as Planned

Son Gohan sighed as he wondered how things had ended up this way. He'd planned on teaching Sakura how to keep house like a proper woman, and had planned on only teaching Goku how to fight, but Sakura hadn't stayed inside, and had poked her nose into the first lesson and had refused to leave.

As it turned out, Sakura was just as much a natural as Goku was, and both were exceedingly strong for their age. That was probably to be expected though, considering how strong they had been back when they were babies.

Both children were eerily alike in both mannerisms and disposition, mostly remaining sweet and cheerful if a little dim, but suddenly becoming serious as if a switch had been flipped when it came to fighting. While the general lack of intelligence could be attributed to the brain damage they'd suffered in the fall, the other character traits seem to be something that he could ascribe to their extra-terrestrial origins.

There was no way in hell kids that turn into giant apes when the moon was full were human in any way shape or form, no matter how human they looked.

Despite the fact that the children were from another planet, they were his now, and it was his job to take care of them, and that was one duty he did not plan to shirk. He would just have to keep the kids in bed every full moon though, seeing as he didn't want to get stuck dodging again. He could only ascribe his survival the last time to divine intervention, and he wasn't sure he'd live through another Giant Ape Attack no matter how unintentional it was.

Sighing and pulling himself out of his musings, Gohan gathered the two children into the yard and started on yet another martial arts lesson that they absorbed like little sponges. Teaching both children was easy. Slightly disturbing, but easy nonetheless.

Easy enough that he could send Sakura back to the kitchen as soon as the lesson was over and still have food on the table in time for dinner if he didn't mind crunchy rice and blackened lumps that might've been fish at one point that was. But, then again, Sakura's cooking was always like that, and his own was little better.


	11. Can We Eat It?

The two hungry, half-starved looking children who were dressed in filthy clothing that was beginning to look a bit ragged stared down at the creature in front of them.

"Can we eat it?" one of them asked.

"I don't know, can we?" the other said.

"Grandpa never fed us one of those." the first said.

"Grandpa's not here though." the other said.

"I'm not sure I want to though..." the first said, almost tearing up at the sight of the animal.

"But, it's dead, so it's meat right, and we need something to eat." the other said, looking almost as sad as the first.

"I guess we'll eat it then." the first finally said, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Had anyone happened upon the scene two minutes later, they probably would've been horrified to see a pair of feral looking children with tails sitting in front of the shattered remains of a house tearing strips of raw meat off of a dead wolf.


	12. A Decided Lack of Skill

Muten Roshi barely restrained a howl of pain as his aged molars ground down on something crunchy that shouldn't have been. This was the second time in two days that this had happened. This was also the second time in two days that the meat had been black on the outside and mysteriously pink on the inside, and the fish had been horribly undercooked, too cooked to be sushi, but not well enough done to taste decent either.

Before he had sent the girl who'd helped her brother empty his fridge upon their arrival at his home into the kitchen with Lunch, he'd set her to cleaning the house. That had turned out to be an unmitigated disaster, as her cleaning skills had apparently devolved over the years since the death of his late student Gohan.

If she even had them in the first place...

The futons which had been battered to within an inch of their lives would have to be replaced, as would his rugs. The dusting would need to be re-done by someone who had an idea as to how to do it, as would the sweeping, and the remains of several formerly priceless and irreplaceable antiques needed to be disposed of. The laundry needed to be mended, and the clock needed to be repaired, as did the couch and the T.V..

Cooking was apparently also something that was completely beyond Son Sakura's meager skills, what with the burned meat, soggy vegetables, and the crunchy rice that had been served to him for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.

That's it, he gave up. Tomorrow, Sakura would be taking lessons with Krillin and her brother. There had to be something the girl was good at, right?


End file.
